As my first week in Utah comes to an end, as does the life of Large Marge my Expedition -

i just ate an entire jar of refrigerator pickles and two organic dark chocolate almond butter cups. i can’t sleep, either. i guess this is how im gonna mourn Marge. for every bad time where we broke down there was 100 good ones. she was the car that brought charlie home from the hospital, and the one that took me off road and where i prayed and got my answer as to which church to join in almost 4 years ago. I have ate my dinner and then slept in there more nights than i care to count – i literally had it longer than any ‘real’ home i’ve ever owned and probably spent more time in it, too. It was SO much more than just a car me. It was, when i first bought it, my dream car. This all just sucks so bad. I have always said i needed to be car-less to learn how to be less of a consumer… maybe this is part of that greater plan. At first i was so thankful we were all alive, then i was scared when it set in what had happened and where i was, then i was angry. Now i’m just sad. Really, really, really sad.

We were hit by a man driving at full speed down the shoulder of the road. He hit us hard enough to flip us to the side and then we bounced back. Thankfully, we didn’t completly roll and even though we have cuts and bruises we were in good enough shape to walk home from where it happened. I have been having a very hard time with some things these past few weeks and this put it in a new light. I DO love my husband and my children and I’m so thankful to have the opportunity to spend the rest of our lives together. This could have ended so much worse. I’m also thankful that, even though it didn’t survive the crash, my car kept us safe. I can not imagine any other vehicle or any other crash senario having the same end result. It was a perfect crash. The strongest part of our car was hit and everyone was ok. In the end that is all that matters. I only have Texas liability coverage (no collision) which has no value here. I won’t be getting any type of insurance benefits or compensation. I’ll be carless for awhile, but who knows… Maybe i’m supposed to be-. Time will tell what lesson i will learn and what purpose this has for me.

PS i’m in utah & I have dreadlocks.

We started the almost 1600 mile drive on the 4th and spent one night in New Mexico, one in Colorado and then the third night we finally made it to our new house. Its been a rough move, but i’m getting to be more at peace with it each day. I like the house and I like the area. Its just hard for other reasons… bleh.

My fears of having moved into an LDS warzone have also been confirmed. EVERY day I have been ‘warned’ about the church from people who see me unloading boxes or something else that makes it obvious that i’ve just arrived here. It bothers me that people feel compelled to warn strangers about the local church members, but I also know that it gives me the chance to step up and smash their stereotypes and lead them by example to the fullness that is there. Each of these people are so surprised that I am a member of the church and acutally listen a little bit to what I have to say. I know that I am planting a seed of sorts with these people that might one day lead them to the fullness of the gospel. I kind of think that is why I am here – to teach the people who don’t want to be taught by the missionaries who are perceived as young and without life experiences. I am SO thankful for the missionaries that have touched my life, but I understand how speaking with them isn’t appealing to someone who didn’t have your typical LDS upbringing. I didn’t grow up knowing about the church or wanting to be a mormon and I have heard all of the steryotypes before. I have a strong testimony and it was my personal life experiences that lead me to where I am and helped me to grow. I know that, by example, i can lead people to the fullness they are missing.

Originally I thought my move here served other purposes for my family and our eternal future, but in my short stay here so far I am beginning to see a different plan for my family and for me, specifically. I have let go of *my* plans and am just praying for the lord to move my feet down the path he wants me to walk stopping to do whatever it is he needs me to do along the way. Its not easy to let go of something you have wanted so badly for so long, but it was time. I am finally at peace with it.

I am not sure any of this makes sense – i am only sleeping 3 or so hours a night these days. Lots to do with unpacking and stuff. Obviously we are back from our short stay in Mexico now, and I have also dreaded my hair (as crazy as it sounds my reasons are primarily spiritual. a detailed post to follow) Charlie will be turning 3 this Sunday and we are celebrating tomorrow. Its so hard to believe how much she has grown!

Officially official.

We closed on our house yesterday, and after waiting a little more than 24 hours for our down payment check to clear the bank, we got our keys today. Casey spent several hours in the house tonight before returning to his bosses house where he is currently living, and by his own admission, spent most of that time crying.

He keeps receiving one confirmation after another. Every single day. He is so happy.

I am happy for him. For us.

Here she is, ya’ll. Click here to see our Clearfield house. This is the first house we have ever purchased together and its our biggest and scarest move yet – but we both understand how there is a greater plan and a greater purpose that we can not see. Each and everything we have done in the past has led us HERE.

The kids and I will be joining him on May 4th. We can not wait.

my fear -

Casey is on his second week of being a Utah resident. I will be moving up there in about 2 weeks and while I’m scared of fiances (pay cut + state tax that we don’t have in texas = scarey!) i am more worried about living near so many… Mormons.

Now, I realize that sounds crazy. I am Mormon myself, right? I am. I have a strong testimony. I know that this is a true church and that it has been restored. I have no doubts that I made the right choice in getting baptized, confirmed or going through the temple.

I am concerned about being around so many people who have *always* been a member of the church. Maybe they haven’t had the life experiences I had to lead them there. I really dont know how to express my fear, but it is a genuine fear. I talk to casey (who just LOVES utah, by the way) every day about it. I am also concerned about the ex-members and the anti-lds. I guess the only way to describe is as though I am moving into a war zone. You are either super-mormon and always have been, or you aren’t and you fight with all of your strength against it.

My testimony of the church is strong, as is my testimony to move alongside Casey to Utah. That isn’t what this is about. Has anyone else had any simular fears?

In other news Casey has clearly received spiritual confirmations that he is doing the right thing and is living in the right place. He says its from the Universe and not the Holy Spirit, but i’ll take it.

I am just happy that he is finally happy with that part of his life. <3

Easter.

Sam just came into my room (its 11:09pm) and my first reaction was to tell him to go back to bed. I didn’t, though, and asked him what he wanted to tell me. He told me he needed to share a movie with me that he had found on the internet. It was a reenactment of Christ’s Cruxifiion. I don’t ‘celebrate’ easter in the same way that i don’t ‘celebrate’ Christmas. (for the record Mormon’s DO celebrate these holidays. and i am not against their celebration at all) I just can’t get all super excited about it. I believe wholeheartedly that Jesus is my savior, but i remember it daily and do not need one day a year to eat candy and gush about how important it is to me – if that makes any sense. It has pegan roots, just like Christmas does, too, so i kind of feel like it really isn’t a christian holiday – more of a government compromise from long ago that now has a bunch of consumerism tied to it. Anyways. I don’t get offended by others who choose to celebrate it today, its just not something i can get super excited about for just one single day. I am trying each year to get more excited and more involved in the day’s celebration, but i’m just not *there* yet. So because of my personal feelings about the mainstream celebration of the easter holiday i don’t think i have taught my children enough, or spoken enough about it to them recently. I was shocked and amazed that Sam had found this video (he has the mormon chanel on his kindle) and so flattered and honored that he would choose to share it with me. The excitement in his eyes as he talked about how much he loves Jesus and how much Jesus loves him was so heartwarming. It was a nice way to spend a few minutes together so late this evening. I am so thankful that I was calmed and accepting when he came to speak to me instead of urging him to return to bed like i wanted too. Anyway, here is the video. Sam would like me to share it with you and to have you share it with your family tonight and cuddle in bed and watch it like we did.

Today!

Today is Casey’s last day of work as a Technical Sales and Designer in Houston, Tx. After he leaves today he will drive 1,540 miles to start his new job as a Sales Engineer in Woods Cross, Utah on Monday. Two years ago i was at my dads birthday party at his lake house in Lago Vista and I prayed and fasted for a way to get out of the house we had in Cypress. We faithfully followed the plan I was given which has littetally lead us to taking this job in Woods Cross and buyibg this house in Clearfield, Utah. It had lots of ups and downs along the way and, even though i am scared, im still wholeheartedly following the plan laid out for me. I have a testimony of prayer and fasting – something i just dont do often enough – and the blessings that come from faithfully following the revelations laid out for us… Even if it is as seemingly crazy and hopeless as mine was. :)

Boys!

I had to take Sam to the hospital on two different days last week. Both events were unrelated. The first time he got a huge nasty knot on his head by ‘running into a slide’ and the second time he broke his arm when he fell off a scooter while playing up the street with a neighborhood friend. Sheesh! I didn’t witness either of those two accidents. No worries, though, he is doing just fine. In fact he tripped and rolled down a little cliff while watching deer in the yard yesterday. He was just standing still and then somehow toppled over and rolled. He just stood up and kept watching them like nothing had happened! Boys will be boys will be boys!

finished negotiating and signed the addendum

we didn’t get exactly what we had asked for, but we got a more-than fair deal. So no more concerns on the house. We will have all major repairs we need made done before our settlement date and will handle the more minor stuff as the budget allows after we get there.

i am having a hard time being a ’single mom’ in the middle of nowhere. I love the lake and the opportunity i have to live here for pretty much free, but this is SO hard. And i’m less than 2 weeks into this with about 6 to 8 more weeks to go.

We are having a small going away bowling party at Times Square in Katy, Texas this Friday evening. If anyone would like to come and say goodbye please comment or message me for the details.

-Taylor

an overdue update… BIG NEWS!

Firstly, please allow me to apologize - i know this will be random and not very well written. i’m tired. big surprise, right?

Well, even though we were only in Utah for a total of 4 days Casey fell in love with it…  We have a rule in our family – we don’t do anything half ass. So, if we move to Utah we are wholeheartedly moving to Utah. He accepted the job and WE BOUGHT A HOUSE and we canceled the contract on the new home in Texas we were building. He is finishing out the month of March at his Houston employer and start working at his place on April 1st. We are scheduled to close on the house on April 15th and the kids and I will move up there in May once I wrap up a few things in Texas. Our apartment lease ended before we went to Utah so we are kind of all over the place right now. The kids and I are staying near Lake Travis right now and Casey is near Houston for work. We spend weekends together in Lago Vista and after he moves to Utah I will probably head to my hometown of San Antonio to spend a few weeks there before  heading to Mexico for a week. Once we return from Mexico (in a Texas port of entry) i have a court date for a speeding ticket and then we will join Casey in Utah. I guess i can’t complain about having a boring life… but I can complain about being exhausted, can’t I?! To be honest i am not nearly as excited about Utah as Casey is, but i do feel like this is best for our family. I’m terrified, really, because we are taking a paycut AND moving far far away from everything and everyone we have ever known. It what we have to do, though. I just know it.

My grandmother, a widow, is looking at moving in with us and also permanently relocating once we get settled, too, so we have that to look forward to. In fact my eldest son recently said, “mom, when I grow up i will be a good man. A man who cares for all of the orphans and widows. Heavenly Father wants us to do these things.” I was so proud of him!

The home we bought was a cute 1962 traditional tri-level home. It has the original general electric oven from 60ies and fluffy pink carpets in the living room and kitchen and blue and green shag carpet in the bedrooms and woodpaneled walls in the basement. It was like stepping into a type warp. We fell in love with it and even after spending hours touring other homes we came back to tour it a second time and write in an offer. They accepted it, even though we offered lower than their asking price, and they agreed to pay the closing costs. I considered that a good sign that it was meant to be, but when our privately hired inspector found some electrical and roofing concerns (among other things) we filed an addendum asking that a few additional repairs be made prior to our settlement date. So far they have agreed to re do the electrical issues, and we should know about their ability and/or willingness to replace the roof by tomorrow afternoon. I hope we get this house, i really do. We do have a contract on it, lending in place and everything set and scheduled, so realistically i feel like its ok to plan ahead for it even though we will back out of our contract if the roof isn’t fixed. Its just out of our budget and its unsafe in its current condition. I can’t let my wants overpower my brain on this. But I have been daydreaming about what i’ll do to bring it up to date all while keeping a traditional theme with it. This is probably the most exciting part of all of this for *me*. I am a homemaker and I have been essentially ‘homeless’ for two years now. Finally getting settled for a bit and turning this house into our home is something i am very much looking forward too. I am also considering getting a part time job at Lowes or Home Depot in the evenings to get a little bit of extra money and an employee discount on some of the supplies we need to update the home (as an example, it has hollow exterior doors that need replacing and it needs new appliances, ect.) If you know someone in Utah who can hook me up with a job at a home-improvement type store please let me know. And if anyone wants to get us a housewarming or going away gift we will take lowes gift cards. Hehe.

I’m crazy. I know.

Charlie Grace broke my computer (literally into 4 pieces) and I haven’t figured out how to upload photos from my replacement computer. So, when my super smart husband can show me how to do it i’ll share a few with you.

oh, and can i just take a second to brag about my husband? he always gets down on himself because he didn’t even finish highschool nor did he complete college… Well, he officially has an ENGINEER title now at this new company. He has worked so hard for so many years to get this far. I’m so very proud of his hard work and dedication. Not only to his work, but to his family too.

Because i don’t really have a ‘home’ right now, i also don’t have a ward. I haven’t been to church in weeks and i will probably not be back until May. I notice the difference. I really do. It is hard. All of this is really, really, hard on me.

Thank you all for your prayers and support over the past few months. This is a crazy journey, but its the one we were intended to take. One of my favorite quotes from our living prophet and president of the church, Thomas S. Monson, is that you can not change the wind, but you can adjust the sails. Very true. I also like how he always encourages us to find joy in the journey.

The wind is blowing. I’ve adjusted my sails. I’m finding joy in this journey i’m on. Here I go.

my obligatory valentine post –

7 years ago today my then-boyfriend of just one week told me he loved me for the first time and then told me how he intended to marry me in just a few short months. I don’t think we were really in love then, and we sure as hell didn’t expect everything to go as it did – but its been a pretty amazing journey. We did get married – in my parents living room by some strange man wearing alligator skin shoes that Casey hired online – after an 11 day long engagement and have created a million memories since. i love him MORE now then i did back then.